Lacrimosa
by Mikomi's Pen
Summary: [Xenosaga Episode I] Kevin muses. Spoilers and speculations.


You're going to want to think I did it for love, or for passion, or even for some misguided ideology – I know you well enough by now to be quite sure of that. Perhaps...Perhaps they held my family against me, or some ridiculous photos, or maybe I was brainwashed. You're going to want to think I did this for something noble, or at least something not _completely base. You're...going to want to forgive me. I know._

But I'm stating now that I knew precisely what I was doing. Everything that happened was according to my own will. They forced me into nothing, deluded me into nothing – I was in full possession of my senses. They had nothing incriminating to hold against me, and as for my family...You would all know quite intimately that they were completely safe, at least until I betrayed you.

No; my motivations were nothing pure, nothing noble. All I ever desired was the little atrocities of the world: power, and money, and...Okay. No. I'm starting over.

How can I explain my motivations? I don't know if you'll ever be able to understand. To tell you the truth, I don't know that _I'll ever be able to understand. We're logical people at heart, all of us, and this is...Well, it completely flies in the face of reason, is what it does._

Of course, I had those lapses in logic a lot, didn't I? You always kind of laughed at me for that...Not that I begrudge your laughter, of course. Don't think this has anything to do with any of you. No...I laughed those times, too. It was...silly, really, the things I thought. That she would care what I said to her when she got up, or that she would feel bad for killing...I constantly had to remind myself that she was a _tool, that she would have to kill, that she had a mission to fulfill and nothing else. I had to tell myself that no matter how I felt, she wasn't my daughter._

I realize now that I failed miserably. Because, in the end, KOS-MOS became my own child. To my mind, she became more than just a weapon and a key, no matter what I told myself to think. She...was going to speak, think. She was going to have a personality. She was going to have a _heartbeat. I forgot everything then, at the thought of my daughter, my KOS-MOS, and being able to talk with her. That...was a mistake. There were things I had to accomplish, but I forgot what they were._

This is not all to say that the thought of my child was the only thing distracting me, though. For the first time in my life, I had friends. Can you imagine how intoxicating that was? After a life like mine, finding people who liked you, genuinely _liked _you...Of course, they made a mistake in trusting me. _You made a mistake. You...mistook me for someone else. Someone different. I can't say I blame you. I put up quite a convincing façade. I had a skilled teacher, after all. He knew how to fool a man, make him trust you. I suppose I learned his skills quite well._

I don't know if I hate him...He did put me in this difficult position of betrayal, after all, and he certainly wasn't a kind man. But...he created opportunities. Without him, I would know nothing, be nothing. Without him, I never could have created my KOS-MOS...He was the one who got me into Vector, after all, and the one who taught me everything I know about A.I. Without him, I never would have met everyone I did...

I formed too many attachments. Therein lay my greatest problem. She was supposed to just be a tool, KOS-MOS was...And then there were all the people who were supposed to merely provide technical support. _They were supposed to be tools, too. But...all of them...Quirky Miyuki, always hanging about, even when she had other work that needed to be done. Togashi, so young and idealistic. Allen, who was the closest thing I could ever have to a little brother...And Shion...I came so close to loving her. Fortunately, I recognized my growing affection for her, and I stopped myself. She was...so young, so sweet, and intoxicating...So naïve, so kind. She could never hold a grudge, never hate...She would cry over any injury, any death, even if it was someone who loathed her...It would be so easy to devote yourself to her. So easy to sacrifice everything for her..._

I think in my dreams, if I ever sleep again, it will be your accusing eyes that will haunt me, Shion.

And will you hate me, all of you? Will you curse my name, that I used you in order to create the key that's needed to complete Mizrahi's work? It's the mission he charged me with – I'd been given it long before I met any of you. That is what you must understand: I never betrayed you. I'm not a turncoat. My coat was always this color; can I help it if you mistook it?

The deed is done, and yet...I wish it wasn't. I've done everything Mizrahi told me to, everything he _trained me to, and yet...Somehow, I wish I haven't. I wish I was still in that dingy little room on the third floor of the research facility, sipping bad coffee as Allen entertains us with another of his dead-on impressions or Shion leans forward, eyes shining as she describes yet another discovery which would enhance KOS-MOS's logic functions. I wish I was everything I pretended to be...When I came here, the only thing on my thoughts was doing my duty. Now, the only thing I can think of is how I wish I hadn't...U-TIC might be the doctor's own pet organization, but...I don't want them to have my daughter..._

I wish you would hate me for what I'm going to do. But you're going to want to forgive me, aren't you? I can't...allow that. So I leave you this message: Your first in command, the one you looked up to – he deceived and lied and tricked you in order to do his duty. He never wanted to befriend you. He never wanted your affection and your friendship.

That he grew dependant on it...is something I'd rather like to ignore.

And so this is my confession and my apology. By the time you'll have received this, KOS-MOS will be taken, used to create the key, and my sending this to you will have been my last act before my flight. I hope...you won't understand. I hope you'll curse me for my betrayal...

You're going to want to forgive me...I can't allow that.

Signed,

Kevin Winnicot

March 14, 4765

Hic veritas est, et desiderium meum et lacrimae meae cum eo abeunt.

~~~

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This entire thing is, of course, purely speculation on my part. It certainly isn't proven that Kevin was the one who gave the key to U-TIC (even though we all know he was), let alone that HE was Mizrahi's assistant (even though...well, very few people think so, but I do, so bite me). I have a fairly lengthy reasoning for this; please tell me if you're interested, as I always enjoy ranting.

I'm rather dissatisfied with the first part, since I churned it out in a very limited timespan, so I might end up rewriting it, but as I am an extraordinarily lazy writer, odds are I won't.

Inspiration? My sheer, irrational love for Kevin and every adorable, traitorous part of him. Also, early screenshots for Xenosaga Episode II. So sue me.

This is running long and pretentious, so I'm going to stop talking now. 


End file.
